there is the kind of distance that breathes and there is the kind of distance that suffocates. most of the time i am constantly vibrating between the two; halfcaught halfbreathed breathing out and in. this week of sunshine on our skin and flamenco guitar in our ears i think i will be breathing breathing.

so i am having this rebellion against words, against too many words, against empty words and that kind of enthusiasm for unreal things that because i have been too prone to makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach now. i am distrusting all words except a few ("claro," "news," "maravillosa," "true"), wanting to refuse their ineffectuality, their pomp, their fluff. i don´t know how i am going to write my honors literature thesis if i am still having this problem, but i think i better figure it out before april. oh also, i only have six weeks left in barcelona. ooph.

accented

every time someone tells me i sound like a little mexican speaking spanish, i feel both embarrassed and proud. embarrassed that i sound noticeably different, but proud of my history with the language and those ties to home. being abroad is amazing amazing of course, but re-connecting with and learning more about this language is absolutely why i feel that i am here - what i love the most about being here.

desarrollarse

it will be nice to just stay (more or less) in barcelona this weekend. i still don't feel like i have my head on straight.

imperfecto, subjuntivo

sometimes i catch myself feeling like i have a long-distance boyfriend at home. but i do not. i do not have a boyfriend at home, i do not have someone waiting for me. i am free here.

next week i will get my shit together

W

ooph. today i feel lonely here.

they say "the study abroad experience" is supposed to be like a W, emotionally. of course my up down up down up feels more like a richter scale (oh haii, separation anxiety).

*update

t is supposed to snow here on saturday, according to weather.com. SNOW.

i literally do not know how to handle myself in this weather. (or, apparently, in this situation. distance is making me even more neurotic and push-pull-y than ever).

joan miro, you know how i feeeeelz.